SAMUEL JONES: User Guide and Manual
by NewtGirl
Summary: ORIGINAL IDEA BY LOLLIDICTATOR !  With enough care and patience, you'll be able to enjoy your new unit thoroughly!


**A/N: Because herp derp, that's why. Meh~! Anyway, this manual idea was originally by Lollidictator, so yeah.**

**SAMUEL JONES: User Guide and Manual**

**CONGRATULATIONS! **You have purchased your very own SAMUEL JONES unit! In order to ensure that you, the owner, are protected from any physical harm this unit may bring upon you, we have taken the liberty to write this manual. It is heavily suggested you read this through before attempting to handle your unit.

**Technical Specifications:**

Name: Samuel Jones. Will also respond to Iowa, Male!Iowa, Sam, Sammy, Uncle Sam, and Brother.

Age: 17

Place of Manufacture: Des Moines, Iowa

Height: 6'10"

Weight: 180 lbs

**Your SAMUEL JONES unit comes with the following:**

One (1) Large straw hat

One (1) Farmer's scythe

Twenty (20) ears of corn, not shucked

**Programming:**

**Farmer: **This is what your unit is best at. It is not unusual for harvests to be incredibly bountiful when he is the one working the fields!

**Bodyguard: **If his size alone doesn't scare off any attackers, then his strength will do so promptly. If you are a woman, he'll be more than willing to do this job for you; if you're a man, it will take a lot more coercing on your end to make him comply.

**Chef: **While he may not look like it, he is a very good cook, though don't expect him to cook anything without corn being in there somewhere. It's a quirk.

**Pimp: **Yes, we just said that. Your SAMUEL JONES unit is very charismatic, and women naturally flock to him. It is recommended that if you choose to have him in this line of work not to tell him what the women are actually doing. He is very chivalrous, and will more than likely quit immediately if he were to find out.

**Removal of your SAMUEL JONES unit form packaging:**

Your SAMUEL JONES unit is one of the most docile we offer, though he tends to not take kindly to people he doesn't know very well. Therefore, we have included a list of failsafe methods to wake him up without bringing harm to you or your loved ones.

Stomp about your house loud enough for it to be heard inside the crate. After a while, he will be curious enough to get up on his own. You are now free to reprogram him.

Cook corn on the cob. The more pungent, the better. Your SAMUEL JONES unit has a bottomless stomach when it comes to corn in general. Reprogram him as quickly as possible; he can tear through a corn cob like no other (except for his genderbent, of course).

Speak with a think Ohioan accent. If you are a man, he will react rather violently, and if you are a woman, he will be very cheerful. It will take him a second to realize that you are neither a LOGAN JONES or a LOLA JONES unit, and that second is the time you have to reprogram him.

**Reprogramming:**

After waking your SAMUEL JONES unit, here are some of the options for reprogramming him:

Kindly (Default)

Charming (Default)

Diligent

Romantic

Yandere (Locked)

SAMUEL JONES is naturally very kind towards most people, though it takes him a while to get used to newcomers. For reasons unknown even to us, SAMUEL JONES has an irresistible appeal to women. So if you and him go out in public and several girls begin to follow you two along, do not be concerned, because this is completely natural.

SAMUEL JONES' Diligent mode makes him a complete workaholic. This can be achieved by putting him to work in a job that requires a lot of manual labor, such as farm work. He will barely ever stop working, usually only to eat a quick meal or sleep for an hour or so at a time. This can be undone by placing him in a locked room with a MAX C. JONES unit, at the cost that the MAX C. JONES unit used will more than likely end up in its Sexy mode.

Your unit's Romantic mode can be unlocked by leaving him alone with a female unit for more than an hour. He will become very flirtatious, so expect the influx of women to your household to increase tenfold. This can be fixed by leaving him with a Tsundere LOLA JONES unit.

The Yandere mode is locked for a very good reason. This mode can be unlocked in one of two ways: first is to have someone attempt to steal his girlfriend from him forcefully, second is to convince him that a SAMANTHA JONES unit is being abused by her boyfriend. In either scenario, your SAMUEL JONES unit becomes terrifying. He will act like his normal self when in public, though this mode can be identified by the lack of any emotion in his eyes. When in private, your unit becomes very violent and irritable, constantly murmuring what sounds like death threats in German under his breath and idly sharpening his scythe. It is in your best interest to avoid your unit as much as possible when he is like this; do not try to convince yourself that you can coax him out of it. Trying to calm him down will only result in him accusing you of being "aligned with the enemy" and have him assert his aggressions on _you._ Your best bet is to simply leave him to deal with it himself. After all of the perceived threats have "disappeared" (this will take around a week or so), your unit will be more or less back to normal.

**Relationships with other Units:**

SAMANTHA JONES: Your unit's genderbent. While SAMUEL JONES is very fond of her, SAMANTHA JONES is actually very intimidated by him, and will try to avoid him as much as possible.

LOLA JONES: SAMUEL JONES is very affectionate towards this unit, and it is very likely that a relationship will form, as tsundere as LOLA JONES may act at first.

MAX C. JONES: One of SAMUEL JONES' best friends. They get along just fine, even though SAMUEL JONES tends to act a tad stoic around him.

LOGAN JONES: SAMUEL JONES absolutely hates this unit, for reasons even we don't completely understand. Try to keep these units apart from each other, or one of them will end up dead.

**Cleaning:**

Your unit is fully capable of taking care of himself, and will get a little upset if you offer to clean him.

**Feeding:**

We have supplied you with enough corn to last him a week, though you will need to moderate him, lest he will eat it all in one sitting. Your SAMUEL JONES unit will almost exclusively eat corn on the cob if you let him, and will prepare it himself. Try to get some variety into his food choice, at the very least.

**Rest:**

Your unit is a very light sleeper, so if you get up for any reason, expect him to be up questioning you about it. He will go back to sleep if you manage to tame his curiosity, however.

**FAQ**

Q: My unit has been very awkward lately. He's been very distanced and barely says a word when spoken to. What happened?

A: More than likely, your unit has just found out what sex is. Leave him to his thoughts, he'll snap out of it after a few days.

Q: SAMUEL JONES has lost his scythe, and now he's been trying to make a replacement out of the rake and a boomerang with various knives stuck to it. What do I do?

A: The best solution is to simply order a replacement from us. Another is to convince a SAMANTHA JONES unit to give up hers to him; SAMANTHA JONES is very weak-willed, and will do it if you push her enough.

**Troubleshooting**

Problem: You have found a numerous amount of women around your house, apparently intending on living with you. They fawn all over SAMUEL JONES, and he happily returns all the affection. More and more women have been appearing, and it doesn't seem like it will be stopping soon.

Solution: Congratulations! You have unlocked our unit's hidden _Harem Seeker _mode! He'll be frantically keeping a large amount of women with him at all times. Try your best to snap him out of this as soon as possible, lest your house will be assaulted upon by a group of enraged men whose girlfriends left them for him.

Problem: Instead of your regular unit, you received a much smaller version. He acts a lot more cutesy than normal, though he is a lot more openly violent.

Solution: Oops! We sent you a Civil War!SAMUEL JONES unit by mistake! This unit has a tendency towards cruelty with others, mostly towards the southern states. If you choose to keep him, expect there to be numerous instances of him attempting to impale fellow housemates with his scythe, claiming that it was 'to ensure the good harvest'. If you wish to return him, call Customer Services and follow the instructions from there.

**End Notes**

With enough care and patience, SAMUEL JONES will be a valuable companion. We hope you enjoy your purchase!

**Meh~! I made a Children of the Corn reference. I am a horrible person. Anyway, if anybody wants to make one of those manual fics where you receive these units, feel free to use Samuel or Samantha, as long as you credit me~! Speaking of such, Logan and Lola belong to VstavajSonce, while Max belongs to AILOVE-withcake. Thanks for reading, dearies~!**


End file.
